Monday, September 26, 2011

Losing my Mojo, Rosie's Garden, and the Search for Tranquility.

Buongiorno!    It has been a while and  I have missed the rhythm and satisfaction that blogging seems to afford me.  However, LIFE has been happening in all Capital Letters and Explanation Points lately.   This post is more about catching up than stitching, but what the hell...pull up a chair and pour yourself a glass of wine while I fill you in on what's been happening in my part of the world recently:   

Early August....Puma, the most special of my three cats, was diagnosed with an aggressive form of bone cancer.  Dealing with a terminally ill animal necessitated a multitude of schedule changes to accommodate an unpleasantly familiar routine, which featured:

a very bad prognosis, weeping,  many  costly trips to our wonderful vet, more weeping, and  pointless efforts to keep a stiff upper lip during the weeks preceding our Sad March to the Inevitable.   We supported Puma with pain medicine, cancer medicine and lots of lap time until we knew that the hurting had gotten bigger than the happy.  

The experience ripped open the "just barely kinda sorta starting to heal" hole in my heart left by the loss of Rosie nine months ago.  The wound became very fresh again, which was a bitch.

I cried really, really hard.

[ Note: when my kids were small and clamored for stories of my youth, they particularly enjoyed the ones that ended with my saying...."I cried really, really hard."  Go figure.    Sadists, all.]

 Mid August.... was all about creating a special gift for my baby girl, who was heading off to college, coupled with pretending that Puma was not sick.  A dying cat and the youngest leaving home.


I cried really, really hard.
The bright spot...a visit from my dear friend from Arizona, Monica... for a much needed frenzy of felting and fellowship.

Late August....Happy Birthday!    My daughter was safely delivered to her dorm and a week later I turned 50.  How embarrassing..I get to have Mid Life Crisis on top of everything else......

I cried really, really hard.

Early September...A faulty  air conditioner and defective shut off switch resulted in a serious leak and substantial damage to the kitchen porch.  This is not to be confused with the ceiling that crashed into my laundry room because of an unrelated roof issue.  Sigh.  It got worse....Sweet Puma joined Rosie in the pet cemetery on September 8.

Yup...I cried really, really hard.

Unfortunately, there was a final gut punch.  Yup, a Big Ole Piece of FU Pie was dished up immediately thereafter---Trixie, my smiling Finnish Spitz, died unexpectedly two days after we lost Puma.Unfriggingbelievable!   I hadn't even put away the shovel! Trixie joined her pals in the dirt.   Say it with me, everyone....

I cried...really, really, really, REALLY hard.

WTF?????  I mean, SERIOUSLY!   I felt like I was losing my Happiness Mojo.   I was definitely not ready for the burgeoning population in my not-yet- finished Pet Cemetery.  You see, several months before Rosie died, I started to build  a little pet cemetery on my property.  I was working through the whole death thing and it was important to me that I create a special area for her.  Although I buried her in the spot I had picked, I have been unable to create the garden I had envisioned.... I simply haven't been able to "go there," emotionally.  I would look at the cold , barren spot of dirt in the yard and vow to get on it, but each time I tried, I found that I just could not do it.  The yard looked awful and I hated that I had left it incomplete.   Rosie deserved more and now I had two more little lumps in the dirt.  I was guilt ridden and disappointed in myself for not PUSHING THROUGH IT, but I cut myself some slack,  figuring that I would be ready when I was ready.

Mid September
Fifteen  hours after I buried Trixie, I left town, drained and sad, despite the fact that my husband and I were heading for a dream vacation in Italy.  The weird juxtaposition of it all was totally surreal,  but proved to be just what I needed.    We have never had an opportunity to go away for such an extended period, so it was a real treat to decompress together.    We were the lucky beneficiaries of a wonderful gift...a family vacation aboard a luxury ship, cruising the coast of Italy to celebrate the 88th birthday of my generous Mother-in-Law, Eileen.   It was a spectacular trip that was filled with the "good stuff" of family at its best---laughter, conviviality, shared history and ...most important for me at this time....a bit of healing.
Life ebbs and flows.  It is all part of the bigger cycle....children grow up to create their own version of  a happy life, treasured pets die too young, and if you are lucky...88th birthdays are celebrated with joy and delight.  In the big picture, it's all good.  I revel--truly revel--in my many blessings.  All that being said, it has been a  real bitch of a few months.  Thank goodness for the opportunity to regain perspective--I am much happier living in a state of grace---appreciative rather than anxious, laughing rather than crying.   

My Mojo is back!

I am happy to report that I spent the entire week-end working in Rosie's Garden!   I was ready to tackle it, at long last.

It felt good...kind of like I am still taking care of the sweet little gang resting there....I thought happy Rosie/Puma/Trixie thoughts and was at peace while I set about creating a pretty space for them.  I still have a way to go....some additional plantings (the flower kind, not the animal kind, I hope!), cementing in the small granite walls, and a bit of brick work...but I am not afraid of it anymore.  Rosie's Garden has become a place of Tranquility rather than Sorrow.  I'm BACK and it feels really, really good.

We are having an awesome give away featuring the hand dyed embroidery floss in Sunset, pictured in the martini glass at right.  Your name will be entered in the drawing when you leave a comment on this weeks post.  Winner will be announced next week!


  1. I'm so sorry about the loss of your beloved pets! It made me cry just reading your post... I have never been able to let someone cry alone and your post brought of memories of the loss of a couple of my own pets. You never really get over it but time does help heal. I am glad you were able to work on the garden area, it looks beautiful and the time spent there is also very healing.

  2. 3 Peeps Designs:
    Anyone who has ever loved an animal knows exactly what I am feeling. You are spot on regarding the garden...I felt as though I was working through my emotions and finding my way to a better place as I weeded. Life is good.

  3. Ohhhhhhhhh my gosh Pat....I had no idea you lost another one! All I have to say is - I feel for you - I feel for you - I feel for you. Your heart is huge and I know losing a baby is tough - HORRIBLE- life changing. I love your pet cemetary. I wish I had one of those in my yard ...These times give us the BALLS to be who we are in life and make us realize what is important and how short of a time we actually have with the one/ones we love.

  4. Kelli....Yes, yes, yes. It is all about refining, isn't it? I am not going to spend my time doing anything that lacks relevance in a way that is meaningful to me or my family. Period. It sure makes it easier to make a decision.

  5. So many changes in such a short time. So sorry to hear about your pets. The new garden looks lovely, though. The trip sounds wonderful too - and just what you needed at the time.

    Thanks for popping by my blog with your kind comment. Best wishes for a wonderful October (aren't you just loving the change in temps this week)

  6. Thank you for the kind words---change is a constant, isn't it? The weather is glorious...Florida at its best!

  7. Hi Pat! I wanted to thank you again for a GREAT class at SAFF. I love, love, love my cuff bracelet and can't wait to finish it. (I will finish it and I will post a picture!) Couldn't wait to get home and check out your sites! You have great energy and enthusiasm and talent. I am so sorry about the loss of your pets. But what lucky animals they were - to have shared their lives with yours.

  8. Nancy:
    Meeting you at SAFF was one of the highlights of the week-end for me. Your enthusiasm for the project tickled me! Truly, teaching to an inspired student is a thrill--thank you! I cannot wait to see the finished cuff. I know that it will be lovely!